the room

We read the room, measuring each movement, observing every glance, smirk, anything and everything in-between. I'm an outsider looking in. I don't know anything. Are you cold are you cruel? No. Am I passing your tests? Not all of them for sure, but try to remember I didn't ask to be tested, I didn't apply for the role I'm being assigned. Did you think it was a shocking revelation to hear that I'm not the perfect image of beauty? Do you really think I'm unaware of my broken smile and locks tested by the constant need to change myself? Do I seem as though I believe myself to be flawless and the object of desire? I can list my flaws better than you though you do it so well. No, you're not cold and cruel. You're reading. What you cannot read is what I do not show, say, or let on. You can't see the ways I'm piecing my life together, that I'm not idling waiting for it to change, but moving forward as quickly as means I earn allow. Only time can show you what I will not say. And why don't I say? Because I don't show until I know. Because I am who I am without you watching, too. Because like you, I'm reading. My attention to them isn't my unawareness of you, you of everyone should know better. Observing a whole scene requires a careful examination of multiple characters. Again, tests I didn't ask for, trying to get me to perform for you as you measure my silence as if it were words you could write me off with. Looking for reasons to write me off. And I can't blame you because I'm doing the same thing. Are we cursed to see the reality around us that reality itself seems blissfully unaware of? Sometimes I want to turn it off. But tell me if we're in each other's heads, and theirs too, is better to ignore and dismiss? Should I not pretend to not understand what's going on, what you're really saying and doing? We can't let them see how much we see. I didn't expect you to see me, or see in the way I see. They don't know and that's best, they wouldn't understand. They don't know that we could fuck each other with our clothes on right in front of them without them having the slightest clue. They don't know that you could jump into my mind field and make me like that. I'm sure you could but no. Let's read the room and dive into passive aggression instead.