Remember me?

Who will remember me? Will they remember the times I made them laugh, the times I wouldn't shut up? Will they remember my below-average sketches or my poetry filled with self-loathing and pain, the times I smiled when I was dying inside? Will they remember the nights I stayed awake by her side to watch after her while nobody watched after me? Will they remember the suicide notes I wrote and put away for another day? Will they remember the day my wrists found the blades? Will they remember how I worked during each crisis. will they remember how hard I tried to seem okay? 
Just me. I was never the subject of my storyline was I? Can I be the subject of my goodbye's as I fight the urge to tie up loose ends? In just a few days they'd be free of the thought of having to think about me. Me, only the me they perceived. Not this girl. I'm only in an episode again, it'll pass and I'll smoke away the way I show my pain. I stopped reaching for help when I realized people couldn't meet me where I am in this darkness, it's unbearable and I can't let people see it, know it. Alone I stay. Always afraid. 
In an hour or so I'll be drowning myself in movies, shows, videos, because that is what I have to keep myself from drowning in the tub, or the lake, or taking apart my razors again. Fixation. I know I'm broken, I was made this way, grown this way. Fixation, will you save me, my friend, fixation?

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