it's an episode

Here I am sinking in my nightmare that everyone around me calls life. I have felt the break happening, the dial turning it up and up. Paranoia is not enough of a word. I feel like I'm in danger constantly and now even what brought me joy for little bits I must put aside until my mind is free from this intense psychosis.

It's seeping in my bones, straight to the core of what I was. This heart of stone, picking apart that rotted corpse, bring me to life.  

Fear. I can't escape the feeling that I will die, I will continue losing every bit of my life and I will end before it ends me. Every second I'm afraid. Fear is all I've known.

Stop being so paranoid. Oh, yeah I'm sorry I hadn't thought of that. It's been a whole life of bad, so am I really so crazy to see all the ways it could get worse? Yes I KNOW IT WON'T HELP BUT I CAN'T STOP. For brief moments I even believe life can get better and is infinitely good. Feels like being naive. And then in the hour of my euphoria tragedy strikes reaffirming to me that pleasure must always mean pain and loss in my life. This makes me feel like I shouldn't try I should always remain braced and ready for more pain.

I'm tired. Tired of being who everybody else needs me to be. I feel like an outsider everywhere I go. I know people are tired of hearing about the things that are troubling me, even the lighter things, but I'm screaming for help. Screaming and I'm screaming and I'm screaming and nobody can hear. 

I'm changing and I felt it recently. My life of isolation has brought me to realize that everyone who could remember my childhood and the things I went through, she is dead. She made sure she was the only one who knew me and now she's gone and I'm starting to forget who I was. 

I'm not safe. So how am I supposed to feel like I am? 

I'm trapped and I've been trapped since I was a child staring at four walls for years on end. I'm screaming. I'm screaming. 

And I don't recognize me.

I'm screaming and it's silent.

I'm screaming.

I'm learning to shut the fuck up and be silent like I was taught because I'm always wrong and I'm always the problem and nobody hears me scream, they just hear noise.

So as this episode takes me in deeper I'll takeaway that as the dial turns, my internal screams get louder, and my external noise begins to mute.

I'm good how are you?