My purgatory without you

 Fucking miss my best friend, waiting for this nightmare to end, because there's just no way this is real, a two-week-long dream I'm stuck in I can't feel. Every day waking up thinking this is it, I'll walk up the stairs and you'll be there again. Not yesterday but maybe tomorrow, if I can just get through this imaginary night and hold back on the sorrow. I can't keep crying because it just feels like dying, everytime I grieve out loud I feel like I'm lying, because it's just not possible she's gone and I'm surviving. I feel like I'm obligated to live and that's hard, with no motivation now that your gone, but left behind are the ones you loved who are scarred, so I swallow the lump in my throat and brace my heart Pills to fix my head and 5 labels they have ready, I was already fucked up but now I'm more unsteady. They threatened to commit me for finding my life tragic, fuck doc my mom's service was yesterday am I supposed to be happy by magic? Wrote me a prescription for some meds, giving someone some more shit to overdose on when they wanna be dead. I feel like I can't say this shit but please don't worry, my heart is a mess and my head is blurry, but when I write it out it helps the hurting, so please I beg you pardon my wording. I'll keep breathing because she lost the chance to, I'll keep trying because my family already lost two, but I won't stop ranting because no matter what I do, I'll never have another talk with you. At least I know I did a few things right, I said I love you and hugged you every night, spent almost every spare minute by your side, stayed up just to make sure you weren't gonna wake up and cry, I'd do it all over to make sure you were alright. You're my angel and never a burden, anything to make you happy through your hurting, but it wasn't enough and that's the story, now I'm forever stuck in my personal purgatory. Do I blame myself of course I do, all I ever wanted was to take care of you? I failed and I'll never forgive myself, I should've tried harder to convince you that you needed help, moved to comfort care swear I felt your resentment, said I thought it was murder but they said it was different.